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i am teh b4nd g33kzors! f33l fr33 t0 fl33 in t3rror!

Jul. 24th, 2009 01:45 am home- vanessa carlton

this is one of those nights that i lay in bed (with my cousin sleeping next to me) and i wish that i could start at the manhattan beach pier and just keep walking.
but the wrong thoughts pop in to my head.
tonight mad and sparky and i walked to hermosa. it can't have been more than a mile and a half.
it wasn't enough to calm my need to exercise and my need to be cruel to my body.
but it was enough to run in to one (two?) of the guys who made my biology class hell.
i keep telling myself to get over it. i mean hell, it was two years ago and they were just ignorant homophobes that liked to see people get mad.
but that didn't stop me from getting near-uncontrolled anger the second i heard that kid's voice coming towards the three of us on the strand. he was in a group of people. knowing costa kids, he was probably drunk/high.
i don't, as a rule, engage in any sort of fight with an unarmed opponent (be it one without wits, or one that's incapacitated by means of inebriation)- it's just not an honorable fight. i don't tend to punch people or deal with them physically. i learned two things about physical fights: 1. they leave marks and evidence is not good if you want to get away with it and 2. i can hurt people and that's just not courteous.
this didn't stop my fists from clenching and my stomach muscle from setting and my biceps from flexing under my sweatshirt. i wanted to punch them. i wanted one of us to feel pain. to get satisfaction from the encounter- by having won or by having tried and lost.
he recognized me immediately. started saying my name in that awful singsong voice they used to annoy me when a teacher was around.
i told him to fuck off. i was with my friends. i wasn't bothering him. i never had to see him again. we don't go to the same school anymore. no chance of running in to him (this was actually one of the things i celebrated upon graduating).
i didn't say all of this, of course. i stopped after "fuck off"
he and his friends walked by us and he kept up saying my name in that horrible tone as he passed.
my usually-sharp wit was lost. i had no scathing remarks or psychological games or distainful stares that i usually use to get to people.
i tried to stop myself from reacting.
i tried to keep myself from shouting.
i tried to keep myself from hitting him.
i tried to keep myself from kicking and screaming and punching and slapping and kneeing him.
i get a 6/8 for self-restraint.
i settled for shouting "fuck off and die" at his retreating back.
and then i went back to myself and hoped that i hadn't disturbed any of the innocent people sleeping in their homes.
i explained who this kid was to mad and sparky, who immediately volunteered to help me take care of him.
please just grant me the ability to never see him again.
we walked on, me in the quiet moments contemplating what i should have done, what words i should have said.
we stopped when we reached the hermosa pier.
sparky got something to drink while i called brian and jordan.
brian and jordan picked us up and drove us home.
i wanted to keep walking. i didn't want to stop. i wished it were just a little colder so i could feel some chill through my sundress and make my sweatshirt actually worth wearing. i thought about what it will be like in a month when i want to go walking and there's a cool wind that will turn my nose pink and render thin cloth useless. i thought about walking around lakes instead of alongside oceans.
i felt alone. i had my best friends. and i felt alone.
never before have i thought more of seattle as the place i /need/ to be.
it's home a little already. i have an apartment. i looked through the mail. i cleaned up the bathroom sink. i slept in what will be my bed. i emptied the dishwasher. i had keys. i have friends to hang out with.
i want to be there so badly.
i'll walk late at night. just find a lake to walk around. i'll keep my knife in my pocket and my flashlight in my hand. i'll breathe. i'll feel the cold blowing through my jacket.
i might even have a hand to hold.
i hope so.
i always hope.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: home- vanessa carlton

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May. 23rd, 2009 02:33 pm sailing homeward to mingulay...

dear world,
"take me for what i am
for who i was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me or leave me"

this summer i will:
do something
back the fuck off
not hold myself back
do something new
write songs
figure out more who i am
not stop growing
learn new things
get better at drawing
practice tuba
worry less
sing more
get in shape for marching band
love myself

next year i will:
not fail any classes
get in-state residency
keep the friends that mean a lot to me
make new friends
take the opportunity to begin again
learn a new instrument
teach people things
get a new skill
discover a new band i like
stay in shape for marching band
love myself

much love,


Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: minuglay boat song

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May. 9th, 2009 12:42 pm mmmm. gorgeous!

Current Mood: contentcontent

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Apr. 25th, 2009 04:30 pm seattle: brought to you by wikipedia

A 2006 study by UCLA indicates that Seattle has one of the highest LGBT populations per capita. With 12.9 percent of citizens polled identifying as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, the city ranks second of all major US cities, behind San Francisco and slightly ahead of Atlanta.
Of the city's population over the age of 25, 51.6 percent (vs. a national average of 24 percent) hold a bachelor's degree or higher, and 93 percent (vs. 80 percent nationally) have a high school diploma or equivalent. A United States Census Bureau survey showed that Seattle had the highest percentage of college and university graduates of any major U.S. city.
Seattle is home to one of the United States' most respected public research universities, the University of Washington. A study by Newsweek International in 2006 cited UW as the twenty-second best university in the world.
In 2001, Time magazine selected Seattle Central Community College as best college of the year, stating the school "pushes diverse students to work together in small teams".
In 1974, a 60 Minutes story on the success of the then four-year-old Medic One paramedic system called Seattle "the best place in the world to have a heart attack".
It is one of the most liberal cities in the United States, with approximately 80 percent voting Democrat.
In 2005, Men's Fitness magazine named Seattle the fittest city in the United States.
There are other annual events, ranging from the Seattle Antiquarian Book Fair & Book Arts Show; an anime convention, Sakura-Con; Penny Arcade Expo, a gaming convention; specialized film festivals, such as the Seattle Gay and Lesbian Film Festival; and a two-day, 9,000-rider Seattle to Portland bicycle ride.
the Bite of Seattle is one of the largest Gay Pride festivals in the United States.
In the past, the Gay Pride parade and festival have been centered on Capitol Hill, but since 2006, festivities have been held city-wide, and the parade has followed a route in Downtown from the retail core to Seattle Center.

i'm excited.


Current Mood: excited:3
Current Music: Hung by the high gallows tree - poxy boggards

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Apr. 18th, 2009 03:33 pm my favorite sonnet

sonnet 130
by william shakeseare

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.


Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: cripple creek- bob malone

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Apr. 15th, 2009 06:58 pm omg. so somebody posted this on somebody's wall on fb and i had to share

i laughed so hard at this

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Apr. 14th, 2009 11:07 pm 40 secrets (i think i did this one a while ago...)

[one] Have you ever been asked out?

[two] Where was your default picture taken?
on fb, costa at the marching band picture day
on lj, screencap of doctor who episode silence in the library

[three] What's your middle name?
i have 2

[four] Your current relationship status?

[five] Does your crush like you back?

[six] What is your current mood?

[seven] What color shirt are you wearing?
white with the loft logo on it and a purple sweatshirt over that.

[eight] Missing something?
yeah, i'm supposed to be finding my journals that i wrote for english.
missing people too.

[nine] If you could go back in time and change something, what would you do?
nothing. i am proud of what i have become and the path i took to get me here.

[ten] If you must be an animal for one day, what?
peregrine falcon.

[eleven] Ever had a near death experience?

[twelve] Something you do a lot?
check my email.

[thirteen] The song stuck in your head?
From a Terrace -Hey Marseilles

[fourteen] Who did you copy and paste this from?

[fifthteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
um. lance bass form n*sync

[sixteen] When was the last time you cried?

[seventeen] Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
yeah. choir senior recital

[eightteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
to fly

[nineteen] What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
sense of humor

[twenty] What do you usually order from Starbucks?
uhhh i don't usually go to starbucks.

[twenty-one] What's your biggest secret?
not going to share one here.

[twenty-two] Favorite color?

[twenty-three] Do you still watch kiddie shows or movies?
occasionally. i don't watch much tv.

[twenty-four] What's on your walls?
loads of carp.

[twenty-five] What are you?
um. human? perhaps?

[twenty-six] Do you speak any other language?
sign language.

[twenty-seven] What's your favorite smell?
summer rosemary or hose water on hot cement in summer.

[twenty-eight] Describe your life in one word.

[thirty - one] Have you ever kissed in the rain?

[thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
the song i'm listening to on youtube. (dirt in the ground- tom waits)

[thirty-three] What should you be doing?
see #8

[thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

[thirty-six] Do you like working in the yard?
depends on the task

[thirty-seven] If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
i really dont mind mine.

[thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
indubitably. you always ac differently around different people. i act more me-ish around the person i like.

[thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?

[forty] Who was the last person to make you dinner?
my brother.


Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: dirt in the ground - tom waits

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Mar. 28th, 2009 08:45 pm girlyness? me? not really... also, this doesn't add up to 100%....

[x] You love hoodies
[x] You love jeans
[ ] Dogs are better than cats
[] Its hilarious when people get hurt
[x] You've played with boys on a team
[ ] Shopping is torture
[x] Sad movies suck
[ ] You own a XBOX
[x] You played with Hot Wheels as a little kid
[x] At some point in your life you wanted to be a firefighter
[ ] You own a DS PS2 or SEGA
[] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers
[] You watch sports on TV
[ ] Gorey movies are cool
[x] Sometimes you go to your dad for advice
[x] You own some baseball hats
[x] You used to/do collect pokemon
[x ] Baggy sweat pants are nice to wear
[ ] Its kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people
[] Green, black, red, blue or silver are one of your favourite colours
[x] Sports are fun
[x] You sometimes talk with food in your mouth
[x] You sleep at night with your socks on
[x] You have fished at least once

[ x] You like to shop
[ ] You wear eyeliner
[] You wear the color pink
[x] Sometimes you go to your mum for advice
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport
[ ] You hate wearing all black
[ x] You like going to the mall
[ x] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[ x] You like wearing jewelery
[ ] You cried watching The Notebook
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe
[ ] Shopping is one of your favourite hobbies
[ ] You've seen Star Wars and don''t like some of it
[x ] You do/did gymnastics
[ ] It takes you around one hour to shower and get dressed
[x] You smile a lot more than you should
[ x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes
[ x] You care about what you look like majority of the time
[ ] You like wearing dresses whenever you can
[x ] You like dancing/do dancing
[ ] You like high heel shoes
[x ] You used to play with dolls as a kid
[x] You like putting makeup on others
[ ] You like being the star of almost everything
[ ] Pink is one of your favourite colours

Now multiply by 4 to get your percentage
Boyish: 14 x 4 = 56%
Girlish: 12 x 4 = 48%
Then re post this as, x% boyish, x% girlish

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: cigarettes- hey Marseilles

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Mar. 27th, 2009 10:49 pm

i got a scholarship!
the only one i applied for!
i've no clue how much they're giving me!
i don't even care!
i got the scroc management scholarship!


Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: oh what a night (stuck in my head)

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Mar. 24th, 2009 11:05 pm meme taken from jessica on fb

1. Talk to a boy/girl you like: a few hours ago
2. Bought something to eat: zakzak and my freshamn and i got boba yesterday
uhhh... 3 and 4???
5. Realize anything new: i'm not a bad person?
6. Talk to an ex: earlier today actually
7. Miss someone: yes.


8. Slept in your bed other then you: brian
9. Saw you cry: brian
10. You went to the movies with: uhhh.... i think the last movie i saw in theaters was dark knight...
11. You went shopping with: my grandmother and my cousins who were being bitchy. we were buying prom dresses.
12. You said "I love you" to and meant it: brian
13. That made you laugh: brian
14. Said they loved you: brian
15. Called you in the middle of the night: hehe yeah.
16. Do you have a crush on someone: :) yes.
17. What book are you reading now: the big U by neil stephenson
18. Best feeling in the world: absolute nothing-can-hurt-me love
19. Favorite sport to watch: drum corps
20. Favorite Location: there's this cliff in PV...
21. Piercing/Tattoos: 2 sets of ear piercings
22. What are you most scared of right now: declined to state.
23. Who do you really hate: sarah palin
24. Does anyone hate you: hahaha yes. many.
25. Do you like being around people: in general i am a social person.
26. Have u ever cried?: yes.
27. Are you lonely right now: a bit? it's dumb but i miss people even more when i never see them and i know they're close by than when i know they're far away.
28. Song that's stuck in your head right now: yeah, "hold the morning" by hey marseillies
29. Been on radio or TV?: yup. dance.
30. Ever liked someone, but you think they never noticed you: yup.
31. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap: haha... yeah.

Q: How many places did you sleep yesterday?
A: my bed.... nope, just my bed.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: blue... it says "old school player" and has a picture of an LP player.

Q: Name one thing that you do every day.
A: check my email... i know, i'm an internet addict.

Q: Whats the color of your bedroom walls?
A: um... a dirty light pinkish hue

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: none.

Q: I can't wait till...?
A: i can move to seattle

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A:moments ago when i asked him whether i could make popcorn

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: chinese food with my family in memory of my grandfather.

Q: Look to your left. Whats there?
A: ginger tea that is supposed to be used on an entire teapot but i put in to one mug. :3 om nom nom ginger!

Q: What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: hell i dunno, but it probably came from jj... :\

Q: What website do you visit the most:
A: overall? fb maybe? i keep three tabs open constantly, email, fb, and twitter and then i have another window oen where i do productive things

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: nope, used to have a mini rosebush but i killed it.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: my knee gets stiff when i sit for too long. and i've been doing my marx midterm so i've been sitting for a while... -_-"

Q: What city was your last cab ride in?
A: uhhhh.... i think we took a cab home from the airport when we went to alaska?

Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: milky tea boba

Q: Would you have a problem if your friend went after your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend?
A: ahahaha.... that would be the least of my problems



Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: hold the morning- hey marseilles

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Mar. 18th, 2009 01:15 am Morphée by moxy fruvous

Longue journée
Qui s'achève dans une chambre foncée
J'entends au loin les sirenes
Qui comme une vague me tirent, m'amènent
Chez Morphée

Ce doux piège
Ou les gammes en délire s'arpègent
M'emportent si loin des villes

Et je fuis,

je fuis les escadrilles du privelège
Beau sortilège

On solde les vieux pays au marché des gorilles
Caché dans les bras de Morphée je rène
Nemo en exil

Sur mes rêves fragiles


Current Mood: sleepysleepy

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Mar. 17th, 2009 01:32 am *sigh*

sometimes i'm tempted to set you free
just so you don't miss out
by being with me.

Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: after ever happliy - jay brannan

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Mar. 9th, 2009 11:37 pm how a song tastes to me...

Fell in Love by Moxy Frouvous
a song that tastes bittersweet. like smiling through tears. like graduation or watching a close friend leave for a long time, but knowing that they'll bloom while they're away.

it tastes like christmas pancakes that you never really liked but your grandfather worked so hard on them that you pretended to because it made him happy.
or like those same pancakes, with heaps of powdered sugar on top, like you used to eat them but now you're grandfather won't be making them. and it's a long way off, but you're scared for your first christmas without him. but at the same time, you have so many wonderful memories.
or finding a photograph of him from when he was young. and you see him happy and smiling even though you it was taken after he came home from a war.

it tastes like peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. which you'd eat for lunch every day in the summers that you'd spend lazy in your grandmother's house in redondo beach. it tastes like that innocence but in the sepia of a faded photograph.

and it tastes like the sweet sticky candy that you'd knock out of pinatas at birthday parties. the kind that you'd insist didn't make you sticky enough to need to take a break from horsing around to go inside and "wash up", but really you were just fascinated by the sides of your fingers sticking together.

it tastes like the word "illuminate". it starts with a bold vowel then rolls around your tongue for a while before pushing itself out to brighten a sentence.

it tastes like red kool-ade. the kind that you'd always accidentally dip your hair in when you drank from those translucent plastic cups your family had when you were about 8.

and it tastes like the lemon juice your mom used to wash your hair with to make it blonder in the summer and as drops streamed down the side of your face in the shower, it would mix with the pearls of conditioner and you'd poke your tongue out to catch the sour little bursts as they ran down your cheeks.

it tastes like the brownie mix that you'd always get to lick off the bowl on rainy days when the house was warm and the air outside was moist and chilly and your feet were cold from a long hard day of puddle stomping. and your brother always let you lick the bowl ('cause it was bigger) as long as he got the spatula.

it tastes like the hot chocolate that your mom used to make with chocolate syrup and milk in the microwave that you drank as you watched the Red Skelton comedy special they had on PBS that reminded your mom of her childhood. the same hot chocolate that came out of your brother's nose because he laughed so hard at Red Skelton.

it tastes like years ago.
back when you and your cousin were best friends.
back when you were her only protector.
when you'd pretend to be unafraid of the barking dog down the street so she wouldn't be scared.
when you and she would put on your favorite CD as you intently drew and wasted page after page on drawing what you wanted to look like when you grew up, expecting that you'd have some control over it all.
and this very song would come on.
and you'd listen. but not really. because it wasn't a happy song. and it was kind of slow and acoustic. and it was one of only two songs on the album that you didn't know every word to. and the other one was in french so it didn't count.

it tastes like that. all that at once. and yet

and yet it still makes you smile.

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Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: Fell in Love - Moxy Fruvous

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Mar. 9th, 2009 11:30 pm cross-posted to ink_blot_cafe

i wrote this last night.


My Room

if these walls could talk...
i'd hush them and cover their mouths
and scream for them.
i'd yell for them until my throat was raw
about how curiosity didn't kill this cat.
it was selflessness

Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: video bargainville -moxy fruvous

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Feb. 10th, 2009 11:57 pm meme

You Scored as Art

You should be an Art major! How bohemian!


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Feb. 2nd, 2009 02:51 pm i love my friends.

i really really do.
they're amazing.
you're amazing.

and i love janet.
she's really amazing.
hobo you are really amazing.

i like it when my friends watch out for me, stick up for me, and give me indirect love (direct love is nice too though).

you people are fantastic.

i feel you should know this.
and i feel you should know that you are all apprieciated.

lucho lucho love-o,

am stuck in iambic pentameter
oh god why!? please send help for i cannot--
ah. better.


Current Mood: thankfulthankful

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Jan. 29th, 2009 11:54 pm i go to sleep.

how can i tell him not to be lonely when i miss him like hell?
16 days until i see him again.

"I Go To Sleep" by sia

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you'll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: i go to sleep- sia

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Jan. 7th, 2009 03:01 pm i'm smiling

so wade and i broke up three days ago.
and now brian and i are somethings again but we are far happier together now. somthing about him loving me and me loving him back.

lay me down - under the influence of giants

Wondering how I figured it out
That I just waited for you there
Wondering how I figured it out
Now I'm just stuck inside your stare
Wondering how you figured me out
I'm just a nobody who cares

Only I can say so oh
Alright, okay, lay me down
She's good, all-time, all around
Alright, okay, lay me down

Give me a sign, say it's okay
Need it to make it through the day
Give me your hand, send me your soul
I need it so I can feel control

Only I can say so oh
Alright, okay, lay me down
She's good, all-time, all around
Alright, okay, lay me down

Baby you can bring me down
Of only I can make you frown
Baby you can bring me down
I promise not to make a sound

Alright, okay, lay me down
She's good, all-time, all around
Alright, okay, lay me down
If she's good then I like how it sounds
Alright, okay, lay me down
If she's good then I like how it sounds
Alright, okay, lay me down
No, no


Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: lay me down- utiog .... duh

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Dec. 23rd, 2008 12:15 pm meeeeeeeeeeeemes

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Current Mood: happyfestive
Current Music: caught up in christmas - bob

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Oct. 13th, 2008 12:57 am well all the cool kids are doing it!

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 15 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is cheating!

1. When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be
2. Well god said to Abraham, "Kill me your son."
3. Can't keep me down.
4. Lucretia walks into a room
5. I gotta regret right now
6. It's not the end of the world.
7. You might be right, you might be wrong.
8. Can you feel your heart beat racing?
9. Baby, I'm aware that you've heard all this and more.
10. Hustle, bustle, and so much muscle
11. I know that there's something in life that i haven't got.
12. Remember back at Ryder High
13. Three little birds sat on my window and they told me I don't have to worry.
14. She packed her shit and she left for the city
15. When I find myself in times of trouble

some are really obscure, some are really not.

i just finished a bill proposal for marx's class... i think i did a good job but i'll see whether he rips us apart tomorrow.

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Current Mood: sleepysleepy

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